Women I'd Love To Have Sex With:

(or at least scissor):
~1. Audrey

~2. Christy

~3. Kate

~4. Lucy

~5. Marilyn

~6. MK

~7. Michelle

~8. Zooey


AND a bunch of you lucky ladies who read my blog. I will disclose names at a later date (Ali, Dari, Mindy, Mara & Landon).

Good To Know...

This is what your pee looks like when you take cranberry pills to cure your Urinary Tract Infection:

(Aren't you so glad you're friends with me?!)

10 Things You Wish You Didn't Know About Me:

1. I'm not wearing any pants right now.
2. I have a trash can in my car.
3. I make my bed every.single.day.
4. I am obsessed with laminating things.
5. I have at least 5 migraines a week.
6. I experience vomit-inducing anxiety while grocery shopping, at church, and at certain people's houses.
7. I go through more pairs of panties in a week than one should.
8. I hate church.
9. I have to force myself to do extra-curricular reading.
10. Instability aside, I consider myself a sane person.

Embarrassing Item #246

I eat at McDonald's WAY too much. Maybe it's because it's 2 minutes from my house. Maybe it's because it has a 24hr drive-thru. Maybe it's because it's a quick fix to a life full of problems.

ANYHOW,

I am publicly announcing my grand goal: NO MCDONALDS FOOD FOR 2 WEEKS. Those of you who know me know that I can't go a day without one of their Large Diet Cokes (only $1 all summer!) but I have resolved to not eat even one french fry for the next two weeks.

Goodbye, Cinnamon Melts and Apple Pies! I love you and miss you already!

Obviously a Bitch

Don't tell me, I already know.

Figure It Out

Women have been mothering for centuries, and now in 2009, I feel like we have a plethora of resources and information on parenting available to us. So there is really no excuse for you to be ruining your children's lives. (Note: Just because your child hasn't DIED yet from your neglegence/immaturity/ignorance, that does not make you a good parent.)*(see footnote)

If you're a shitty mom, please STOP doing the following:
1. Having more kids
2. Letting your kids scream uncontrollably in public
3. Taking your kids to restaurants
4. Telling other moms stories of how you lost your kid/dropped your kid/drowned your kid/had a social worker come to your house/let you child eat poison.

And take a big, fucking DEEP BREATH and START doing the following:
1. Read a book on parenting
2. Take a class on parenting
3. Ask someone for advice on parenting
4. Watch Supernanny
5. Watch your kids (more details can be found in the aforementioned parenting books)
6. Make your house safe for your kids
7. Supervise
8. Be in control of your little ones...After all, you are the adult in this situation.

*And for all the women who read this blog and are put out and offended:
1. I'm not talking about anyone specifically, especially not anyone that I know. These are my general observations over the past few years of being a fellow mom.
2. If you are put out and offended, grab a notepad and write this down, because you probably need it.

Admitted LOSER

I love 17 Again. And last night I made Dan watch it with me for date night! What a guy.

Not As Tough As I Seem

Today I am:
~working
~packing
~deep-cleaning
~doing laundry
~handling break-downs
~watching Dora
~finishing envelopes
~drinking diet cola
~grocery shopping
~list-making
~more planning
~more packing
~and making plenty of time for myself. (HA!)
Thank you, caffeine pills! Thanks for all you do for me!

~show me your genitals

Thanks to my baby sister Sarah for showing me this video that I now love.

mmmmmmm

A Day of Mourning

After all my years of obsessing/internet-stalking/picture-humping over Mark Wahlberg, he finally married his girlfriend/mom of his 3 kids. Dammit.