I am pissed. I don't know what's wrong with me, why I feel like crap, and why I sleep 14 out of 24 hours. I can't live like this! I am sick of these extra pounds that I drag around with me every day. I am pissed that I can't get myself to do anything about it. I've had several horrid experiences regarding said fat, but those slaps in the face still weren't enough. I'm sick of feeling tired and lazy. I'm sick of migraines. I'm sick of feeling sick. I'm sick of never being able to get everything done that I need/want to. I am sick of my parents, who suck big time. I am sick of feeling dread/guilt/severe anxiety/lack of oxygen every time my phone rings. I am sick of having anxiety over stupid things like answering the phone and going grocery shopping. I am sick of girls who pretend to be my friend, but don't listen to a word I say. (And I am so grateful to the 2 of you that actually do, MH & AP). I am sick of hearing people rave about their testimonies, when they have no idea what they're even talking about. I am sick of feeling guilty for leaving the church. I am sick of showering, but that's nothing new. I am sick of the gloomy weather. I am sick of being so poor that we'll go days without groceries until pay day...mostly because then we have to eat chili and boxed food. I feel like I always complain all the time, (Dan knows) but I feel like I would explode if I didn't.
I think I feel better now.
At least enough to sleep.
The greatest things I have are Dan and Lily, and I am so grateful for them--my two best friends.
Monday, January 18, 2010
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3 comments:
oh my gosh. it's like you articulated most of my thoughts/feelings from the last few months. seriously. why am i so anxious? why do i sleep all the time? why am i a fatty and not doing anything about it? ugh. thank you for posting this. i feel less alone. still feel like "what the hell is going on with me?!" but less like i'm the only one going through it.
I'm sorry you are having a hard time. Life sucks sometimes. I am a bitch today. I am super bloated because I just started my damn period. I wore an older shirt and when I got to work, I realized it had a big stain on the front of it and a hole in the bottom. I have a freaking huge zit by my nose and this morning Chris said, "ya that is huge".
I have to work full-time right now and so my house is a pig sty (SP?) and I haven't worked out in at least a year, so I am fluffy. I look at my house and wonder why I don't have more of a desire to deep clean??
I am always going over the budget I make, so we are scrimping for money for a few days...and then some, before our next paycheck.
I always see other people's cute headbands and wonder why I can't think of cute things like that and wonder why I don't sell more headbands?
Moral of the story. We all have a hard time sometimes and we all have insecurities... hopefully we can suffer together.
I hope you get your health stuff figured out soon too. Loves!
Rachel, I've checked in on this blog from time to time but I didn't know if you wanted me to comment or if that would be too nosy since it's your place to vent.
I'm sorry about your frustrations over the church and I feel terrible knowing that I contributed to that. There are other comforting answers out there to fill the void and I would be happy to talk about them with you if you'd like.
I have had every emotion known to man about this issue. When something traumatic happens or you experience a big loss it's totally normal to go through the stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and then finally acceptance.
This is a helpful site for dealing with grief if you get a chance:
http://www.helpguide.org/mental/grief_loss.htm
It might put things into perspective. Again, I'm so sorry for the hurt you are feeling and the struggles you are having right now. Let me know if you need anything. I'm here.
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