Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Completely Heartless
I often feel void of all emotion. This is a curse, but one that I am willing to carry in exchange for not feeling severe depression. My medication saves me from suicide, but keeps me from feeling anything pleasant or happy. I don't know if that makes sense to most people, but it is just the way I have to live my life. Today I was grateful to be able to sit in front of my computer and bawl my eyes out. I cried and cried as I looked at a picture of a small child, skin and bones, dressed in rags, eating bread crumbs from off the street. Rarely do I feel sorrow or pity or even gratitude, but for some reason, this picture brought me to my knees today. I was so glad to be able to feel something, even if it is remorse and sadness for this starving child. I don't know how to explain my feelings, I just know that today I had some.
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3 comments:
That is the saddest thing I have ever seen. I think when you become a mom, you are more sensitive to things like this. I am glad in a weird way that this photo affected you. That is definitely a good thing.
wow. now I am balling my eyes out. This photo makes me so grateful to have food to feed my children. I could not live with myself if that was my child. If I could not give him food. I feel so ungrateful right now...better get on my knees too.
I so know what you mean. About depression and suicide and not feeling any emotion at all.
My medication used to do that to me too. And at first I thought it'd be good not to feel the really low suicidal depression, but then I realized it's worth it, as long as you get to feel the really happy moments as well. Which, medication deprives me of.
So I am not medication free, adn while I'm a psycho freak most the time and depression realy sucks, at least I know it'll only last a little while and eventually I'll get the reward of feeling happy again.
Which is a reward I never had to look forward to when I was on medication.
And that picture, is really sad. I've been crying at everything though. So it's probably not a wonder. :S
And Mara Crosby just said that all better than I could. Feel so ungrateful now... to just assume I'll have food and I'll get to clothe myself and that I'll even be able to take Shelby and Kolton out next weekend to do something fun and extra.
"Better get on my knees too..."
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